Our latest strategy to lure the religious rubes into the progressive fold of the Democratic Party has resulted in a decisive victory at the polls this November. To solidify this victory and make it irreversible we must reconcile the defunct old Founding Fathers' Bible with the progressive ideas of wealth redistribution and equality of outcome for all. But how can this be achieved if nobody in the progressive community can read the old Bible without dismissing it as an odious collection of outdated tales filled with unpleasant people, unhygienic brawlers, monarchism, and lunatic notions about the existence of God?
The New Modern Library, our affiliate that brought you Tolstoy's War and Peace - What's the Difference?, Ptolemy for Dummies, Dickens' A Tale of Two Glorious Cities: Leningrad & Stalingrad, and Dante's The Divine Limbo, has also brought that old curmudgeon, The Bible, up to date in a new, progressive edition.
The New Modern Library's Progressive Bible is written within a scope of only 200 words to make it accessible to everyone. It is produced in various versions, each of which targets a wide range of demographics, from God-free to God-lite (less than 3% opiate for the masses) to the Rick James "Superfreak" Version, and is suitable for any occasion - pick one that best fits your current moral needs. In the Egalitarian Bible, for instance, God is equal to everybody else in the story. He votes, drives a hybrid, is in debt, uses recreational drugs, hates Bush, participates in peace marches, complains about the minimum wage, and feels lousy about nothing like everybody else.
Exactly half of the characters are women (50% of the kings are now queens). Solomon is Shirley. Very few of the characters are Jews. Some of them are mentally retarded; the rest are progressive minorities, with the ever growing Hispanic representation and a vocal Muslim voting bloc, as well as a gay, lesbian, and transgender alliance, mirroring life itself.
Every progressive Christian worth his/her/its "pillar of salt" is sure to enjoy the revised story of Moses, whose crusading band of Zionist aggressors ambushed the disenfranchised Egyptian freedom fighters in what became known as the "Red Sea Massacre."
Other revised inspirational stories of moral relativism include:
* The Organic Garden of Eden
* Pharaoh Has Two Mummies
* What Happens in Sodom and Gomorrah Stays in Sodom and Gomorrah
* Noah Builds Ark to Survive Global Warming
* Jonah Saves the Whale
* David Appeases Goliath
* The Bilingual Writing on the Wall
* The Tower of Babel & The Controlled Demolition Theory
* Uncle Samson & The NY Times Reporter Delilah
* Judas The ACLU Lawyer
* Joseph & Mary Celebrate Holiday Season By Donating Fetus To Federal Embryonic Stem Cell Bank
* Government Program Feeds The Multitudes with Five "Whole Grain" Loaves And Two Non-Endangered Fishes
All versions of our Progressive Bible are wisdom-free. Everybody has some point of view, nobody knows anymore than anybody else, and everybody is right. We leave out any opinion that might smack of narrow-minded and provincial ethical piety.
The New and Revised Ten Progressive Commandments are a Pentecost for our time. We tell everybody to do the opposite of those silly old Jurassic edicts. We honor all kinds of equality, moral relativism, and hate of bigotry that make our enlightened age, if still a nightmare, better than the past.
The New Modern Library has already quietly replaced the old, fossilized books in many progressive churches and motel chains with our zippy new versions.
We've done away with the traditional Synoptic Gospels - i.e., the books of Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John. They have been replaced with "The Gospel According to Marks" written by Simeon of Marks a prescient, second-century theologian. This recently rehabilitated text predicts that Jesus will return to earth, in the mid-1800s, in the form of a bearded German philosopher, whose manifesto will provide a blueprint for The Millennium of brotherly redistribution of earthly belongings and collectivist worship.
Since the collapse of the Tower of Babel, a number of groups and individuals have challenged the mainstream account of the event as an "act of God." Although God may indeed have had a motive to destroy it in the legal sense, a Babel conspiracy theory generally refers to a belief in a broad cabal, in which the attacks were executed by powerful groups often including government agencies or an alleged secret global network. A claim that Jews didn't show up for work that day has been widely reported. Many progressive Christians challenging the official account identify as part of the Babel Truth Movement.
The New Progressive Bible
