|
The Road Warrior...not the one you think.
So, my job lends itself, to hiring the most bizzare and uncleanly people on earth. Sometimes one of the indviduals stands out amongst them. When they do, I usually write stories about them. Hopefully you enjoy this.....
So awhile back, a stranger rolled into town, belched forth from the savage unforgiving wastelands of the "Outback," where man and beast fight for meager scraps of food, and the most precious of elements--sweet man machine powering petrol.
He came to work everyday, clad resplendent in Hot Topic's warrior wear. You know...the sweet black pants filled to the hilt with gay-ass straps hanging off the legs (making him look like some sort of man-spider). He wore big, powerful He-Man boots that gave him a good 4-5 inches, and they had buckles--God the buckles!!!--acres and acres of flashy buckles and straps and clicking things--WARRIOR THINGS! He had a weird, squat patch of hair that he called a Mohawk, although this monstrousity was more like a Pop-Tart covered in tar with a few blades of grass desperately shooting through.
He was the kind of guy that if you had a story, he's already done it, but better. Example: Someone was talking about Komodo Dragons. RW comments, "My friend has a Komodo Dragon." Shenanigans, we say! Ummmm, first off, R-Dub, those fuckers are endangered...and for fuck's sake, they're "poisonous, man-eating, giant creatures of death." But, he was of the warrior ways and he probably gave birth to dangerous creatures all the time.
He had a huge hunch back and when he walked...nay strode, because 'that's what warriors do', he looked like a Velociraptor, head bobbing righteously too and fro. He talked of many quaintly bizarro things...such as (yes, come with me on this journey) his love of all things Germany, that he is a DJ at some nightclub, that he visited web-sites with stuff about Lucifer and Hitler, and his sacred live journal, where I'm sure tomes of his legendary skills have been recorded...by him.
You ask, who was this spectacular man who drove his mom's car to work? I'll tell you. He was terrible and crazy--he was a walking Hot Topic catalog, he was a game tester at the place I work, he was a guy that I had to wake up from being completely asleep about every half hour, he was a man who told us his friend single handedly loaded a 600 pound missile onto a jet fighter (oh, yes), he was a man that got fired from this job for his inability to stay awake, he was a man named Marc, who grabbed the nickname marcilepsy, he was a man that was sleeping when they walked in to fire him...
...but in the end he was and always will be: The Road Warrior.
__________________
Tell the Spartans, stranger passing by,that here obedient to their laws we lie.
|
