Comedian John Hargrave makes prank calls to different companies and tests their patience.
http://www.zug.com/gab/index.cgi?fun...hread_id=47588
TEMPUR-PEDIC: Hi, this is Luann.
JOHN HARGRAVE: Hi Luann. I have some questions about your Tempur-Pedic mattresses.
TP: Sure!
JH: Now, they say you lay down on one of these things, and it perfectly contours to your body, right?
TP: Yes.
JH: OK. How does it work if you're in an unusual position?
TP: How do you mean?
JH: Like, if you're on your hands and knees. Is it hard to, uh, to stay upright?
TP: Well, it's just like a regular mattress. It'd be as hard as with a regular mattress.
JH: How about if one person is standing spread-eagle, and another is supporting her weight, um, on one elbow and a foot, if you can picture that. Would there be any weight imbalance?
TP: [Pause] Just like a regular mattress, sir.
JH: Could two people jump up and down vigorously on the bed?
TP: Well, there are no springs and no coils. So there's no response if you're jumping. There's no coils in it.
JH: Uh-huh. And how many people can gather on the bed at one time?
TP: A king-sized bed would support up to about, uh, 700 pounds maximum.
JH: OK, great. So, let me see. [Pause] Bob is about 200, Carol is about 125, Ted is ... ah, he's been laying it a bit heavy on the mashed potatoes recently, you know.
TP: [Muffled voices on other line]
JH: Let's call him about 350 now, and Alice is, let's be kind and say 200.
TP: Did you want to actually purchase a mattress today, sir?
JH: One second. I'm trying to do the math.
TP: You called the sales line, not the general information line. I can transfer you, if that's what you need.
JH: You know Luann, either our group is going to have to lose some weight, or we're going to have to invite fewer people.
TP: Well, the weight restriction is 375 per side. It's up to you how you want to distribute that.
JH: How does the mattress handle liquids or, ah, fluids that might be spilled?
TP: It's not waterproof. The nice thing about the cover, though, is that you can unzip it and throw it in the wash.
JH: Ah-hah. So stains would clean up easily?
TP: Yes, the cover is washable.
JH: That's good. I wouldn't want a repeat of ... well, we just had a lot of fast food where it shouldn't have been. Now, would the mattress puncture, with something sharp?
TP: Well, it depends on what you're talking about. If you have a knife, for instance...
JH: I was thinking of a sword.
TP: Um, well, swords puncture anything they go up against.
JH: [Pause] Not steel.
TP: I think a sword will puncture steel.
JH: Um ... no. A sword does not puncture steel.
TP: Can I transfer you to our information line?
JH: Well, I'm also interested in this Celebrity line of mattresses. Do I get to pick the celebrity, or do you guys choose for me?
TP: Yes, you can choose the size mattress that you want, but we can aid you in that selection.
JH: That's fantastic. I'd like Wayne Brady.
TP: I'm sorry?
JH: How much would Wayne Brady cost?
TP: Sir, the model is called the Celebrity line. Is this -- you do know that this call is being recorded?
JH: Look, it says right here on your Web site: Jessica Simpson, Christina Aguilera, Susan Lucci and Wayne Brady. My wife is a big Wayne Brady fan...
TP: No, those are just celebrities that own the Tempur-Pedic. They're not...
JH: This is very misleading. I was hoping to have a six-way with Wayne Brady.
TP: [Hang up]
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http://www.zug.com/gab/index.cgi?fun...hread_id=28776
REEBOK: Hi, this is Danielle in PR.
JH: Hi Danielle, I'm calling from ZUG.com, The World's Only Comedy Site, and we're doing a piece on the Terry Tate spot that Reebok ran during last Sunday's Super Bowl.
REEBOK: Yes.
JH: Is Reebok aware of what felching means?
REEBOK: Uh, um, I don't know ... um. I don't think, uh, what does it mean?
JH: It's one of the most lewd and disgusting sexual acts imaginable.
REEBOK: Um, OK. I'm actually not a PR manager, uh, I didn't, um, I didn't create the ad in question. I can try to look that up.
JH: So the felching reference was aired without your knowledge?
REEBOK: Uh, we'll ... um, we'll look that up.
JH: No problem. When can I expect a call back?
REEBOK: Do you have a question?
JH: I just want to know if Reebok is officially endorsing the act of felching.
REEBOK: I'll ... uh, I'll try to get someone to call you back.
Figuring that Reebok's PR department probably would not find us high on their list of priorities, I tracked down Arnell Group, the pricey New York ad agency that developed the commercials.
ARNELL: This is Terry.
JH: I'm calling from ZUG.com, The World's Only Comedy Site. We're doing a piece on the Terry Tate spot that Arnell Group produced for last Sunday's Super Bowl. The name of the fictional company was "Felcher and Sons."
ARNELL: Yeah.
JH: Are you aware of what felching means?
ARNELL: [Long pause ... then hang up.]
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http://www.zug.com/gab/index.cgi?fun...hread_id=53390
MAPQUEST: Thank you for calling MapQuest...
JOHN HARGRAVE: I'M LOST!
MAPQUEST: [Long pause]
JH: I'm TOTALLY LOST from YOUR DIRECTIONS!
MAPQUEST: Um ... OK, I'm not sure what you want me to do about this.
JH: You can HELP ME! You're the MAP company, aren't you!?
MAPQUEST: We don't usually give directions over the phone.
JH: You work for MAPquest, right?
MAPQUEST: Yes.
JH: So can you look it up on one of your MAPS?
MAPQUEST: Well, I can try to help, but I have no idea where you are, sir.
JH: I'm trying to find 150 Clarendon Street.
MAPQUEST: I ... ah, I have no idea what city you are in, sir.
JH: THAT MAKES TWO OF US!
MAPQUEST: OK. Can you spell the name of the street?
JH: C-L-A-R-E-N-D-O-N. It's in Boston. I think I'm in Boston. But man, this is not a good area. MapQuest has really taken me to a bad part of town.
MAPQUEST: What street are you on now?
JH: HOW SHOULD I KNOW!? Your directions say "Bear left on UNNAMED ROAD." What does that even MEAN?
MAPQUEST: I have no idea. I'm guessing the street just doesn't have a name. I'm not trying to be smug, I just don't know.
JH: Is it really an unnamed road, or you just couldn't find the street sign?
MAPQUEST: You'd need to call our Denver office for that. They do the web site.
JH: Are you guys too lazy to figure out the name of the road? Why didn't you ask somebody?
MAPQUEST: Sir, could you stop and ask someone there for directions?
JH: No way. There's a group of Hispanic guys on the corner, and they look kind of angry. One of them has a razor blade around his neck.
MAPQUEST: Oh my.
JH: Hang on. Oh, I'm sorry, it's a locket. It looked like a razor blade. I caught a glint in the sun.
MAPQUEST: [Uncomfortably long pause]
JH: How we doing on those directions?
MAPQUEST: Can you spell the name of the street again for me?
JH: Oh, geez. One of them is coming over here.
[At this point, I played two parts.]
JH [as Hispanic guy]: What the FUCK are you looking at, amigos?
JH: Hi, I'm just trying to find directions...
JH [as Hispanic guy]: Why don't you get the FUCK out of here then?
JH: Right, I'm leaving. I'm sorry. Very sorry.
JH [as Hispanic guy]: ¡El ma's MapQuest es un servicio muy malo!
JH: [Back to the MapQuest lady] You've got to get me out of here. You've got to help me.
MAPQUEST: I'll try. I really apologize for any inconvenience. What street are you on?
JH: THE UNNAMED ROAD!
MAPQUEST: OK, what comes after the unnamed road?
JH: It says to turn left on St. James Ave. But it says 0.0 miles. What does that mean?
MAPQUEST: I really have no idea.
JH: Why would you tell me to go 0.0 miles? Doesn't that mean to stand in place?
MAPQUEST: Sir, do you have a phone number where you're trying to get to?
JH: Why?
MAPQUEST: Could you call and ask for directions?
JH: Great. Maybe you could just put a disclaimer on the end of MapQuest driving directions that says PLEASE IGNORE THESE USELESS DIRECTIONS AND JUST CALL FIRST.
MAPQUEST: I am trying to help you, sir.
JH: Who codes this stuff? Horses?
MAPQUEST: I really don't know. You'd have to contact them.
JH: The horses? I'd have to contact the horses?
MAPQUEST: OK, can you spell the name...
JH: Oh no. He's ... hang on. Hold on?
MAPQUEST: Yes.
JH: STAY AWAY FROM ME! NO! GET AWAY! [I was now running down a busy street in Boston, carrying my laptop and cellphone. Coincidentally, an ambulance drove by me with its sirens on as I was running, adding to the effect.]
MAPQUEST: Sir? SIR?
JH: Hang on. [Breathing heavily] You there? Are you still there?
MAPQUEST: I'm still here.
JH: I found a dumpster to hide under.
MAPQUEST: Are you OK?
JH: Oh no.
MAPQUEST: What?
JH: I left my 3 year old in the car!
MAPQUEST: YOU DID WHAT?!?
JH: Oh geez.
MAPQUEST: Sir, you HAVE to get back and help that child! You cannot leave your child in a bad neighborhood like that!
JH: I know! I panicked! This is all MapQuest's fault!
MAPQUEST: We need to help get you back right now. Do you want me to phone for help?
JH: Oh, you know what? Hang on. Aha ha ha. I see it. It's just right across the street. There it is!
MAPQUEST: You found it?
JH: There's 150 Clarendon. I was just across the street this whole time! That's great. That's just great. Thanks a lot.
MAPQUEST: You go back and get your child!
JH: Viva La MapQuest! Thanks for your help!
