 Brown Belt
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Engaged in Spiritual Warfare
Posts: 4,347
|
New Enlistment Oaths
US AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the UNITED
STATES AIR FORCE because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the
Marines frighten me, and because I am afraid of water over waist-deep.
I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real
exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of
exercise. I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name
because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better
quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make
them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training", I will be a
lean, mean, donut-eating, Lazy-Boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes,
Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make
an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I
will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So Help Me
God!"
____________________
Signature
____________________
Date
US ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (State your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my otherwise mediocre
life to the UNITED STATES ARMY because I couldn't score high enough on the
ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and
the Navy won't take me because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage every
day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use
blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I
have a date. I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing
machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the
only action I will see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I
acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and
vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After
completion of my Sexual.....er.....I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a
different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did
when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like
I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay
home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air
Force guy. Should she leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her
back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting
absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs
because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to
"COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will
help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with
my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving
me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a
placement exam. So Help Me God!"
_____________________
Signature
_____________________
Date
US NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my
life to the UNITED STATES NAVY, because I want to hang out with Marines
without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force
was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the
Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim...why not?" I promise to
wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on
the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken
for the Good Humor Man during summer,! and for Nazi Waffen SS during the
winter. I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the
English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, geedunk,
scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy,
water fountain, hole in wall and toilet." I will take great pride in the
fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for
that matter, are completely different from the other services and make
absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700
every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will
show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup-handling skills to the
point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and
still not spill a drop. I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted
at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I
am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims
of my newfound "colleagues."
So Help Me Neptune!"
______________________
Signature
______________________
Date
US MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT
"I, (pick a name the police won't recognize),
swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies....kill....fix
bayonets....charge....slash....dig....bu rn.... blowup....ugh...Air Force
women....beer.....sailors wives.....air strikes....yes
SIR!....whiskey....liberty call....salute....Ooorah
Gunny....grenades...women.... OORAH! So Help Me Chesty PULLER!"
X____________________
Thumb Print
XX _________________________________
Teeth Marks
_____________________
Date
__________________
St. Wilhelm's #64
If you're not prepared to hunt, kill, and clean the animal you are about to eat you don't deserve to have meat. Go hug a tree. - Cap'n
|
