Originally Posted by bacon
It was Christmas time, 1996. I was home on leave from the military and all I had been thinking about for the past 6 months was getting plastered with my delinquent friends in Missouri. We ended up drinking at a lake near my house. My long time partner in crime, we'll call him "Randle", had recently purchased a yellow flashing light from a garage sale for $10. Randle was telling us about how he would drive to work early in the morning and pull people over on the freeway. He'd get up behind them, flip the light on (it had a magnetic base and stuck the roof quite well) and flash his brights and people would pull over as he went whizzing by at high speed.
Several beers and a few hours later, we decided to test Randle's light on the unassuming folk of the local lake community. At the time, I had a red Ford Ranger. No matter how drunk you get, you'll never mistake if for a police vehicle. Yet every single person we tried to pull over, pulled the fuck over! I was astonished. How could people be so fucking stupid? IT'S A YELLOW FUCKING LIGHT!!
We pulled over several more cars in my Ranger, then we dropped off an extremely drunk friend of mine and switched cars. Now we were rolling in a maroon Ford Taurus. Not exactly a Crown Vic, but we're getting closer. Before we left our drunk friend, I had an idea....so I stole his black leather jacket and got a mag light out of my truck. Then we left for the streets of the Kansas City suburbs.
The first victim. (approx 2am)
We were literally a block from my house when I noticed a car...it was the only other car on the 4 lane road. I had the driver flip a U-turn, we hit the light and flashed the high beams at a pace that screamed "authority". The car immediately pulled to the side of the road. Normally, this is where we would hit the gas and peal away laughing...but that was getting boring.... I got out of the car. I made sure to keep the mag light shining bright in the driver side rear view so the driver couldn't get a good look at me. When I reached the window, instinct took over. I said, "License and registration, please." The female driver handed me her license. I looked at the license...I looked at her....I looked back at the license and said, "Please turn your vehicle off and stay inside. I'm going to go run this through."
As I walked back to the car, it was all I could do to keep from falling over with laughter. I calmly got into the car. All eyes were on me. I held up the license and said, "Hit it, dumb ass, before she calls a real cop." The laughter lasted for at least 10 minutes...then we saw another car.
Same basic scenario. The guy gave me his license, I "ran it through", and we hauled ass. Randle noticed that this second license looked alot like another friend of ours. So we went and dragged his ass out of bed. "Hey man, we found you a fake ID! Now get the fuck out of bed and buy us some beer!" One problem. Beer was no longer for sale at this particular hour. Sooooo, Randle and I did what we normally did. We fuckin stole the beer. One guy walks in, buys a pack of gum. As guy number one is paying, guy number 2 walks in and helps himself to 2 cases of beer and approaches the counter. As guy number 2 reaches said counter and clerk tells him, "It's too late to buy that." guy number 1 has already reached the door and is holding it open for guy 2's quick exit. Hop in car, take the fuck off x1. The reason guy 1 holds the door, is to prevent the night-ruining "auto door lock". That just sucks. Key point number 2. Park around the corner so the clerk can't see what you drive off in.
Party on.
Before the night was over, I'd stolen 8 licenses (got 2 from one lady, but that will be relavent later). Randle got 4. I was clearly the superior policeman. The military hair cut and leather jacket are what did it....that and I never seem to get nervous. Meanwhile, Randle was out of shape, sloppy haired and he was wearing an "orgasm donor" t-shirt that he stole from me about a year prior.
Let's see....we pulled over a Hostess truck and got free donuts. We pulled over a guy on FUCKING FOOT as he was walking to work (sun was coming up at this point). Randle managed to steal his fucking lunch. Still not sure why that dumbass gave his lunch to a car full of drunk retards...
Here's what got us caught.
I used to date a girl in one of the 4 towns we were pulling this shit in. Her dad was a cop. One of the cars (van actually) that we pulled over, happened to contain said cop. When Randle approached the van, the cop said "These guys ain't cops!" and they took off. In our infinite wisdom (read "drunken lunacy") we only went about a half a block before pulling over another car. When we did, the van pulled up behind us, wrote down the plate number and took off before we could say, "jeabusfuckinchristonapogostick". It would be hours before our arrest, but we didn't know that yet.
The one who pressed charges.
One of the cars we pulled over, ACTUALLY ran a fucking stop sign. When I asked for her license, she gave me this crusty piece of shit that looked like it was minted in 1874. So I asked, "Ma'am....do you have anything, more recent?" Then she handed me a pristine license that looked brand fucking new....I think she may have suspected that I was an asshole...
Come to find out, the lady had a heart condition. Of all the folks we pulled over, she was the only one who pressed charges. Did I mention she ran that fucking stop sign?
By about 530am (after we stole dumbshit's lunch) the owner of the Taurus dropped us off at Randle's house. We crashed. At about 6am, there was a knock on the door. Randle's mom, who is also like a mother to me, calls Randle to the door. A few minutes later, Randle comes running down stairs LAUGHING HIS ASS OFF and says, "Dude, the fuckin cops are here!!!" I said exactly what you might expect a guy to say who has 8 extra licenses in his wallet that don't have his picture on the front...."Fuck."
I went upstairs and talked to the cops. They cuffed us both and took us in. Oddly enough, the cops thought it was funny once they got us to the station. Randle and I had been in similar situations before. We knew the routine. He wouldn't say shit and I would tell the story. That way, we don't contradict each other. I told the cops exactly what happened. When I got to the part about the Hostess truck and the free donuts, one of the cops said, and I quote, "Damn. You guys are really takin this cop shit seriously, ain't ya?"
The topic of alcohol never came up. Which is good, because I wouldn't have lied about it. After it was all said and done, they didn't/couldn't charge us with impersonating police officers, because we never said we were cops. The final charge was "stealing under $150". I got a year probation because I was a fine upstanding member of the U.S. Military. Randle got a year probation and 200 hours community service....That 200 hours would eventually turn into about 1000 hours for various reasons. The dumbass stole a fireman's jacket on his very first hour of community service! Seriously. You can't make this shit up.
The other people in the car the night (3 of them) got of with nothing. They told the cops it was all me and Randle. And for the most part, it was.
The end.
DISCLAIMER
I am a fucking idiot, nut job with a touch of down's syndrome. You'd have to be a fucking idiot with e a capital R to attempt to reenact ANY of the shit posted above. If you attempt to do that retarded shit, you will go to jail or worse. Cops die every year in routine traffic stops. To say we got lucky is a colossal understatement. DO NOT DO THIS SHIT! It's stupid and so am I. Seriously, I'm part retarded. I eat paste and everything.
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