[graedy]

I live in Worms its not far away form Frankfurt or Mainz. Also Rammstein isnt that far away.
I didnt want to sound like someone who cares much how people look. But its a natural habitus of people to discriminate ugly people (e.g. in old greek writings about some of the first democratic gatherings its written how the actuall speaker looks like). I also didnt talk about spending your time with ugly people. I talked about being one. You can change it if you have an ugly character but being ugly and having no charisma is fucking hard and almost unchangeable. Of course there are worse things.
Well, anyway. You cant change it.
Germany won 3:0 against Ecuador and I did:
- 100 PUBs bench style feet on chair in packages of 20
- some lunges

[lena]

Originally Posted by graedy

I was short of to google "best way to kill yourself".

jesus god no, please don't even think of this.

my father killed himself and it almost destroyed my family.

[lena]

you humble me with your strength, graedy.

i am rooting for you...

i hope you will forgive me for mentioning your ex.

as a girl, it seems to me that her love for you was not that strong.

if you truly love someone, then you are with them to the end.

the times of a person's life when matters of life and death must be faced - those times are the true test of a person...and the true test of love.

i haved faced a few such times in my life.

you are facing that time every single day.

i am sorry if i am being too personal.

[graedy]

Nono. Thats alright. You are right as well. ITs just that I always give 100% if I commit myself to something. That also means that if I love somone I give all I have. She was the first girl I really loved. Our realtionship was really close. Everyone who spent some time with us was like: "What a great realtionship that must be." etc. And it was. We could hang arround with each other, share our feelings, make fun of people, argue with each other, scream at each other.
I have some other people, I trust the same like I trusted her. I would give my life in the hands of any of my best friends (that would be 3 people) without hesitating. She was also one of those persons. She is the first perosn in my life where it changed. Its not that I dont trust her anymore. Theres no reason for that. But you can trust people and you can give people your life without hesitating. Thats a difference. Looking back she had changed long before the realtionship ended. The kind of change I eman had nothing to do with me being sick.
At the moment I think that you can find true love and loyalitiy for a lifetime only in platonic friendships. I dont know if I will ever put my heart in a womans hand again (not to blame all women, if I were gay it would be man, you know what I mean).
And things like loyality are very important for me. Never stepping back when a real friend is in danger or just needs you. Even if it means to loose your life (sounds pathetic but for some people I would do this for sure)
Well, this is things I think about, when the heat of the war calms down a little.


- 100 chins in packages of 10
- jumping lunges

[graedy]

Didint see your first post at first.
Sorry to hear that about your dad. There were times in the past when it was very close I could share this "experience" with you.

But Im no childrens father. People would miss me. But no one depends on me.
Sometimes the situation is like sitting in a sauna and someone has closed the door. You cant escape the heat. You can go sit down on stairs further down. But its till too fucking hot.
When will be the next time the door is opened and you get some refreshment? How long will the door be open then? You dont know. Will I ever leave my castaway island? According to the docs: No.
But I will ram gainst the door and build boat after boat until I drop. Thats for sure.

[graedy]

Its still getting worse. More pain, more bleeding. Not an easy fight with all those ups and downs.

- 160 PUBs feet on chair, palms facing in packages of 20

[graedy]

- 100 pullups in packages of 10


Im so depressed at the moment. Seems like I need a war again. And seems like one is just arround the corner as it is still getting worse. Im so tired.

[lena]

Originally Posted by graedy

- 100 pullups in packages of 10

Im so depressed at the moment. Seems like I need a war again. And seems like one is just arround the corner as it is still getting worse. Im so tired.

I thought of you while I ran this morning.

i am praying for you.

[lena]

Originally Posted by graedy

I know what you mean. I just thought about how a film about that could look like (not in a serious way ):
Protagonist lies in bed.
Protagonist goes to toilette.
P. goes back to bed.
P. goes to toilette.
P. screams because of the pain.
P. goes back to bed.
P. gets up and gets in front of his computer.
.
.
.
Good movie *falls asleep*

I cried when I read this.

Never stop fighting graedy.

thank you for inspiring me with your strength.

[lena]

Originally Posted by graedy

I have some other people, I trust the same like I trusted her. I would give my life in the hands of any of my best friends (that would be 3 people) without hesitating. She was also one of those persons. She is the first perosn in my life where it changed. Its not that I dont trust her anymore. Theres no reason for that. But you can trust people and you can give people your life without hesitating. Thats a difference. Looking back she had changed long before the realtionship ended. The kind of change I eman had nothing to do with me being sick.

HOW could she leave you when you needed her the most?!?

i don't know her and already i am mad at her

Originally Posted by graedy

At the moment I think that you can find true love and loyalitiy for a lifetime only in platonic friendships. I dont know if I will ever put my heart in a womans hand again

i think a man and a woman can truly love each other.

i think love makes us human.