Graedy,
I haven't been a member here for very long, but last night I sat down and read your log from beginning to end. All fifty some pages of it. I went to bed real late.
Really, what I want to say is... you did NOT lose! So you've got to change the way your body works a little bit (or a big bit, es ist nur noch ein Bisschen,) don't tell yourself you lost! As long as your will is intact, you aren't broken. As long as you continue to live life on your own terms, you aren't beaten. It seems like no matter what happened to you the last two or three years, you still made every moment a moment you pursued what you wanted. That alone is more than I've been able to say for myself lately. It is a serious accomplishment.
When I was 12 years old I fractured my skull playing baseball. I had a blood clot the size of my fist in my brain, and when I got the initial x-ray I was told to go home and get some rest. If I hadn't woken up vomiting I would have died that night or woken up a vegetable. The recovery was about a year and a half, and to this day I still can't do certain things. I have three titanium plates in my head and one gnarly-ass scar. What I go through day-to-day might not be anything compared to your situation, but every day is still a gift, because I could have dropped out of this world that night and neither I nor anybody else would have been able to do anything about it.
You're not going to lose. No matter how hard you get hit or how many times you're floored, if you keep getting back up they'll never call the fight. You're still here. You're still a well-muscled, good looking guy. And no amount of difference in your body or the way you have to live your life is going to keep a real woman from seeing who you are, or keep real, good love (or any accomplishment) away from your life. You're a gritty, tough-as-nails, cool-ass kid who has been through more in his early twenties than most people have been through in their lives. You've got a hell of a lot left to stay in the game for.
Also...
Ich war in Tirol von Februar bis Mai und ich komme zurueck, spaeter. Aber Tirol ist kein Platz fuer Deutschstudieren.
Ich denke, ich werde weiter studieren in Muenchen.
Viel Glueck, und Gesundheit!
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