 Silver Belt
Join Date: May 2002
Location: San Jose
Posts: 13,144
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Things that work in a relationship
My girlfriend and I just broke up. Ironically, it was a great relationship that I do not regret, nor do I think does she. The reality was that I am six years older, and as I'm trying to kind of settle down in life, she is starting to spread her wings. That being said, I learned a lot about what makes a relationship work over the past two years. I wanted to share them with anyone interested, and if you want to share as well please do.
Trust:
Okay, yes it sounds cliche. But the thing is, when you ask a person what trust means, they often just give you some examples. They don't truly have an understanding of trust and how it pertains to a relationship, they are just able to vaguely describe incidences where they have expressed trust. So allow me to define it as it pertains to relationships. Trust is the belief that your partner would never do anything to intentionally hurt you. That's not to say you will never get hurt in your relationship, but rather that when you do get hurt, you will be more prepared to forgive as you realize that the hurt was not caused intentionally. In the circumstances that you do get hurt and it wasn't intentional, it is your responsibility to let them know that whatever it was was not okay with you. It is then up to them to decide if that is something they are willing to change. If they are not willing to change it that is that person's choice. They are not bad for not changing it, but you two are likely incompatible.
Men that don't like their gf's to go out with friends, or even talk to guys, don't trust them. They suspect that their GF's may do something with another man, thus intentionally hurting them. Unfortuntately, if you don't have trust, your relationship will not work. You may be together for a long time, but it will be a long and painful relationship.
Define Cheating:
Almost everyone agrees that cheating is wrong. However, people often define cheating wrong. Most people would say, "Its cheating if she fucks another guy." Well hell yeah thats cheating, but that is a very specific defenition. Would you be okay if you found out that your girlfriend didn't fuck another guy, but did secretly go to her ex's house and get cozy under a blanket and watched a movie? The definition of cheating is: Doing anything with the opposite sex that you don't want your significant other to know about.
Some people only hear the first part of that definition when I say it to them. That is they only hear, "Cheating is doing anything with the opposite sex." But the important part of the definition is, "That they don't want their significant other to know about." When they are doing something that they feel needs to be a secret, they are showing a lack of trust in you. Some people ask me, "Well what if they have sex with a guy, but are willing to tell you about it openly?" The fact of the matter is, some couples don't consider that cheating. Some have an open relationship. If you are not okay with an open relationship, then you are with the wrong person if that is her mentality.
Now there are other things they may be open about that make you a bit uncomfortable like, "I'm going out to dinner with Jon after work tomorrow night." The important thing is that both of you know the definition of cheating early in the relationship. If you two ever wonder if you are cheating, just ask "am I doing something with this person that I wouldn't be doing if my significant other was standing right there?" If your gf knows that definition and goes out to dinner with a guy, it is your job to be self confident and to trust her. Heck, she was honest with you. If you love her and know that she would never do anything to intentionally hurt you than you can be confident that when she says, "go to dinner" she means "go to dinner."
Spend time apart:
Some couples are always together and they are happy couples. So I'm not totally against always being together, but I would say that most couples would benifit from some time apart. If you spend time apart you have your own lives that make for more interesting conversation. Also, a key to remember is "its not the quantity of time you spend together, its the quality."
Don't play games:
We've all been in an argument with our signifcant other at some time or another. You may even relay it with a trusted friend to get some advice. Unfortunately, friends rarely give you good advice. Instead they come up with ways to help you regain the upper hand in a relationship. If you find yourself trying to get the upperhand, or trying to make your significant other feel more needy than you...you are playing a game. The problem with game playing is that it makes your significant other your opponent, not your partner. The goal is to make her feel like your equal, by showing her support, by finding reasons to compliment her, by encouraging her to go out with her friends etc.
Don't talk bad about your gf:
I've seen this more from girls than from guys, but both sexes are guilty. You ever met that person that everytime they mention their significant other when that person is not around, its to insult them. That just adds a level of toxicity and it makes your friends against your significant other. Then you will begin to have those, "You always choose your friends over me" wars and your friends will never want your GF to come to parties and it gets uncomfortable.
Don't blame:
Man the number one cause of arguments is blaming. The fact is, there is never anyone to blame in a relationship for the most part. In reality, they are trying to have a relationship the way they want a relationship and you are trying to have one the way that you want to have one. By blaming we are essentially saying, "Your way is wrong and my way is right." But there are very few right and wrongs in relationships. You may feel she is absolutely wrong, but trust me, whatever your issue is, there is another guy she could be with that would have no problem with whatever her behavior is. When we are blaming someone, we are essentially admitting they did something that hurt us. The best way to bring this up if you trust the person and no that they would never do anything to intentionally hurt you is to say, "Look, I know you weren't trying to be hurtful, but for some reason, when you did so and so it didn't feel right for me." Now the ball is in her court. If she loves you and loves the relationship she will probably try to avoid doing whatever it is in the future. If she doesn't, then she is intentionally hurting you and you are incompatible. I say your are incompatible because she is essentially saying, "Hey, you're a great guy, but I'm not about to give up so and so for you." And you would be suprised how small something may seem that a person is still unwilling to give up. For example, if a girl ever told me, "Look, I know your not trying to hurt me, but everytime you watch MMA, I feel like you don't love me." Well I'd try to make her know she is loved, but I aint giving up MMA and if she cant accept that...yes I would break up with her, but it would be cordial. Now if she blamed me: "You always choose UFC over me, which is real fucking insenstive." You better believe I'm going to have to argue that blanket statement.
Anyway, I hope some people enjoyed this. I know some are looking at it and saying, "Bullshit." But I think these are pretty good standards for a relationship.
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