Funny Fedor statements (originally Chuck Norris...)

RoundnRoundwego · 11-26-2006, 10:54 PM

I figured Fedor was now more appropriate. :-)

1 --- Some kids piss their name in the snow. Fedor can piss his name into concrete
2 --- Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Fedor can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants
3 --- Fedor counted to infinity - twice
4 --- Fedor once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands
5 --- Fedor' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Fedor
6 --- Fedor can speak braille
7 --- Fedor' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried
8 --- Fedor was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds
9 --- Fedor died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him
10 --- Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Fedor' sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime
11 --- Fedor puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter"
12 --- Superman owns a pair of Fedor pajamas
13 --- Fedor owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno
14 --- Fedor does not sleep. He waits
15 --- Fedor can slam revolving doors
16 --- Fedor sleeps with a night light. Not because Fedor is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Fedor 278 7.795
17 --- Fedor doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body
18 --- Once a cobra bit Fedor' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died
19 --- Fedor was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop. 306 7.755
20 --- Fedor does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Fedor goes killing
21 --- Fedor doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants
22 --- Fedor divides by zero
23 --- Fedor' wristwatch has no numbers on it. It just says, "Time to kick ass." 281 7.690
24 --- Fedor doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel
25 --- When Fedor gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live
26 --- Fedor is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Fedor 286 7.650
27 --- Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Fedor' PC will crash
28 --- Fedor is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Indian.
29 --- 350 7.534
30 --- If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Fedor says its beef, then it's fucking beef
31 --- When Fedor looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Fedor and Fedor
32 --- Giraffes were created when Fedor uppercutted a horse
33 --- Fedor doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way
34 --- When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Fedor
35 --- Fedor is always on top during sex because Fedor never fucks up
36 --- Ghosts are actually caused by Fedor killing people faster than Death can process them
37 --- Fedor' dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Fedor will not take shit from anyone
38 --- Fedor has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants
39 --- The only thing Mr. T, Vin Diesel and Fedor can agree on is that Tom Cruise is a ***got
40 --- Fedor is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face
41 --- When Fedor exercises, the machine gets stronger
42 --- Fedor doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says, "Now." 319 7.448
43 --- Fedor sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month
44 --- Fedor can build a snowman out of rain
45 --- When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Fedor just to be on the safe side
46 --- Fedor likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies"
47 --- Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Fedor' roundhouse kick
48 --- Fedor once had a heart attack; his heart lost
49 --- Fedor plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins
50 --- Fedor can kill two stones with one bird
51 --- Fedor was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery." 264 7.326
52 --- M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Fedor can touch this
53 --- Fedor once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff
54 --- Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Fedor to stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired, as all it has resulted in is Fedor now looking for candy after he kicks his victims
55 --- The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Fedor didn't kill you in your sleep
56 --- The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Fedor eats
57 --- Fedor once punched a man in the soul
58 --- There are no weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq. Fedor lives in Oklahoma
59 --- Fedor is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right hands.
60 --- If you can see Fedor, he can see you. If you can't see Fedor you may be only seconds away from death
61 --- Fedor secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result
62 --- Fedor did that to Michael Jackson's face
63 --- Fedor once had an erection while lying face down. He struck oil
64 --- The chief export of Fedor is pain
65 --- The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for Fedor. This amuses Fedor because he is bulletproof
66 --- Fedor can tie his shoes with his feet
67 --- Fedor once finished "The Song that Never Ends"
68 --- The quickest way to a man's heart is with Fedor's fist
69 --- It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Fedor can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box
70 --- Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Fedor donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Fedor's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Fedor still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure
71 --- The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Fedor is
72 --- Fedor once devoured a whole wheel-barrow full of clay to prove to a friend that the expression "Shitting bricks" wasn't just a figure of speech
73 --- We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Fedor doesn't believe in magic
74 --- A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Fedor and that you will be handicapped if you park there
75 --- Fedor can drown a fish
76 --- When Fedor enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off
77 --- Fedor can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Fedor is
78 --- The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Fedor
79 --- The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Fedor has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears
80 --- Fedor was once the F.B.I's chief negotiator. His job involved calling up criminals and saying, "This is Fedor." 241 7.071
81 --- Fedor is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Fedor claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis
82 --- When Superman squeezes a lump of coal, he creates a diamond. When Fedor squeezes a lump of coal, he creates an African child to work in his diamond mines
83 --- Fedor' action figure has slept with more women then most men
84 --- Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Fedor
85 --- Fedor does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die
86 --- When God said, "Let there be light", Fedor said, "say please." 297 7.007
87 --- The Jihadists are pissed because they can no longer tell their recruits to expect 73 virgins in heaven. The best they can do now is 73 women who have already had sex with Fedor
88 --- It is impossible to be raped by Fedor because that would mean you did not want it to happen
89 --- Fedor used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him
90 --- The only time Fedor was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake
91 --- If Fedor makes a woman ride on top during sex, she instantly qualifies for the "mile high" club
92 --- The last digit of pi is Fedor. He is the end of all things
93 --- On Neil Armstrong's second step on the moon, he found a note that said, "Fedor was here." 265 6.932
94 --- When Fedor breaks the law, the law doesn't heal
95 --- A unicorn once kicked Fedor. That is why they no longer exist
96 --- Bullets dodge Fedor
97 --- Mr. T once defeated Fedor in a game of Tic-Tac-Toe. In retaliation, Fedor invented racism
98 --- Fedor once partook in a pissing contest outside of a bar. His opponent drowned.