[ElDuderino]

Champions are the breakfast of Fedor.

Once a cobra bit Fedor's leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

Some kids piss their name in the snow. Fedor can piss his name into concrete.

Fedor once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs.
Fedor can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.

Fedor's calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Fedor.

Fedor's tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Fedor does not sleep. He waits.

Fedor can speak braille.

Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of Fedor's sperm escaped and got into the engine. We now know this truck as Optimus Prime.

Fedor puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".

On a high school math test, Fedor put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Fedor solves all his problems with Violence.

If you spell Fedor wrong on Google it doesn't say, "Did you mean Fedor?" It simply replies, "Run while you still have the chance."

Fedor owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno.

Fedor once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.

Fedor can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Fedor doesn't cheat death. He wins fair and square.

Fedor can delete the Recycling Bin.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Fedor.

Fedor was originally cast as the main character in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes and 37 seconds.

Fedor died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Fedor does not hunt because the word hunting implies the possibility of failure. Fedor goes killing.

Fedor can slam revolving doors.

If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Fedor says its beef, then it's fucking beef.

Giraffes were created when Fedor uppercutted a horse.

Superman owns a pair of Fedor pajamas.

Fedor doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Fedor runs Windows Vista on his Etch-a-Sketch.

Fedor sleeps with a night light. Not because Fedor is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Fedor

Fedor secretly sleeps with every woman in the world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.

Fedor can kill two stones with one bird.

When Fedor gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Fedor's dog is trained to pick up his own poop because Fedor will not take shit from anyone.

If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven" backwards, you will hear Fedor banging your sister.

Fedor sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Fedor roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Fedor was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Fedor doesn't have hair on his testicles, because hair does not grow on steel.

Fedor is always on top during sex because Fedor never fucks up.

In 1991, Fedor shot a 14 on an 18 hole golf course, falling short of his personal best by 2 strokes.

Fedor is the only person on the planet that can kick you in the back of the face.

Death once had a near-Fedor experience.

Fedor doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get erections when they touch his body.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Fedor's PC will crash.

Ghosts are actually caused by Fedor killing people faster than Death can process them.

The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup, but knowing that Fedor didn't kill you in your sleep.

Fedor was once charged with three attempted murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped the charges because Fedor does not "attempt" murder.

Fedor eats the core of an apple first.

Fedor never retreats, he just attacks in the opposite direction.

Fedor can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Fedor can have both feet on the ground and kick ass at the same time.

Fedor has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Fedor.

Fedor can build a snowman out of rain.

M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Fedor can touch this.

Fedor once punched a man in the soul.

Fedor plays russian roulette with a fully loded revolver... and wins.

Fedor is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a fucking Jeep.

Fedor can drown a fish.

Fedor is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Fedor 758 7.301
Fedor likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies".

Fedor once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

When Fedor enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on, he turns the dark off.

It is considered a great accomplishment to go down Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Fedor can go up Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.

When Fedor looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Fedor and Fedor.

Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't dodge Fedor's roundhouse kick.

The only time Fedor was wrong was when he thought he had made a mistake.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Fedor and that you will be handicapped if you park there. 699 7.219
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she was saving it for Fedor.

Fedor can play the violin with a piano.

Fedor can make a paraplegic run for his life.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Fedor can throw Brett Favre even further.

Fedor doesn't need a miracle in order to split the ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fuck out of the way.

The last digit of pi is Fedor. He is the end of all things.

When God said, "Let there be light", Fedor said, "say please."

The chief export of Fedor is pain.

A rogue squirrel once challenged Fedor to a nut hunt around the park. Before beginning, Fedor simply dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3 small children. Fedor knows you can't find bigger, better nuts than that.

Fedor can create a rock so heavy that even he can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to show you who the fuck Fedor is.

Fedor can tie his shoes with his feet.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Fedor's fist.

Fedor is the only person that can punch a cyclops between the eye.

Fedor doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays "hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."

Fedor is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Fedor does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Fedor during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based on the amount of pussy Fedor eats.

If you can see Fedor, he can see you. If you can't see Fedor you may be only seconds away from death.

Someone once tried to tell Fedor that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

Fedor cannot predict the future; the future just better fucking do what Fedor says.

Fedor was originally offered the role as Frodo in Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."

Fedor once had an erection while lying face down and struck oil.

Fedor is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Fedor claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.

Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost his testicles to cancer, Fedor donated one of his to Lance. With just one of Fedor's nuts, Lance was able to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way, Fedor still has two testicles; either he was able to produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three to begin with. No one knows for sure.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Fedor is.

Fedor used to beat the shit out of his shadow because it was following to close. It now stands a safe 30 feet behind him.