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In other breaking news,
police uncovered a horribly mangled and bloody corpse at approximately 9:58PM PDT yesterday, May 8nd. While we are awaiting official confirmation, early reports indicate that the body is indeed that of the English language, butchered and dismembered in a fashion that one officer described as "Barbaric, completely and utterly barbaric." Another officer commented "Sometimes you see people get hit by a truck and they're all bloody and messed up, but this....this is different. It takes a sick, sick mind to hack something to pieces like that."
If you have any information about who could have carried out this brutal act, please relay the information to the proper authorities.
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